and she was petting her beer can
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I can't put those talents on a resume
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
