I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My bed smells like the plague
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
