Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
