I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
