Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
