why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
