Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
