your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
