She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
