Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
