just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
