god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
