I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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