so that wasnt chicken after all
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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