The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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