I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
