if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
