Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
