In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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