Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
