the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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