one might say we're banned from that church
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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