Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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