Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
