I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So much rum. So many feels.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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