dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
