i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Randomize
