Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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