she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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