life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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