Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
