imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
