Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
