You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
