I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
