I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
