I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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