Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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