If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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