one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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