Only a mothe r could love this liver
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
