So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
