Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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