New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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