last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
im calling her cock vulture from now on
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
