Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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