i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
