why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
