I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
