a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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