I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
