So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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