True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
